To Avoid Family Dissolution
(Note: This is a translated and abridged version of the full Arabic article on the URL:
https://samaahosny.wordpress.com/2009/06/20/to-avoid-family-dissolution-arabic/ )
Families are the building blocks of the societies. The familial relationships are the first to be experienced by the children. Information, values, and discipline within the family lead to the future discipline of the person. Any defects inside the family can lead to huge defects in the whole society, especially when these defects are becoming common within families of the same society. Moreover, knowing the defects and ways to solve them when they are still at their very beginning or ways to avoid them can save the day. For these reasons, I found it essential to share with you the information, experiences, and views in this article.
In my old days, I thought that many of the defects in the Egyptian families are only in my country. However, when I traveled abroad and engaged in many conversations about this topic with people (especially women) from tens of countries, I found out that many problems are common around the world especially in the so-called “developing” countries. This is especially true in the parts related to choosing a partner (spouse) and the masculine/feminine point of view of marriage, and the part of raising-up children. This is why I decided to translate my article into English to share the global experience with everyone but with some concentration on the Egyptian context.
The article is divided into several parts detailed in the following sections.
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Introduction
(Part 1/5)
Life is becoming very stressful and busy. This causes some families to break apart, even if they don’t wish to, because they rarely spend time together and discuss their common issues. Many familial problems have emerged and extended nowadays like divorce, separation, domestic violence, street children (where family dissolution and domestic violence are among the most important reasons), addiction, customary/secret marriage and all its repercussions, and many other problems that have spoilt people’s lives.
A lot can be done to avoid these problems or solve many of them. Awareness, thinking smartly, and learning about useful experiences can all be very helpful. He article takes three phases of family life: 1) Family construction (or partner selection), 2) Family relationships after making a family, and 3) Child rearing which feeds starts a new loop of family construction and so on. We must start to break the vicious circle of family problems at any of these phases; however, the easiest and most effective of all is phase number 1. So let’s start with it.
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Phase 1: Family Construction and Choosing Your Partner
(Part 2/5)
This phase holds the core elements of success or failure of the family. That’s why it is essential to think carefully and thoroughly before marriage and following the wise and scientific means of selection.
Several pitfalls in this phase are the rush in taking the decision (due to personal or societal reasons), being too much impressed by someone (which kills objectivity in selection), ignorance of the bases of marital life success (compatibility criteria, negotiations and discussions, and means of dealing with the partner), and escaping reality (which mainly means avoiding incidents of friction which shows the true person in the partner).
A very informative website on this issue is the famous . This is a website created to test one’s personality giving a report on the person’s personality and on the criteria that should be satisfied in one’s partner. It relates the compatibility between the couple to 29 criteria. It also puts us in front of very difficult choices of ‘Must Haves’ and ‘Can’t Stands’ where one should prioritize only 10 in each category choosing from tens of criteria.
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Phase 2: Life in the Family
(Part 3/5)
Each of the two life partners has needs that the other should know in order to avoid misunderstandings, useless debates, and intolerance. Some of these needs and perceptions are attributed to the natural differences between men and women. Several sources can help us understand the other like the famous book of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” and the series of videos of Mark Gungor “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” and highlighting many differences between men and women once understood can save the day.
Other differences and needs must be negotiated and discussed in order for the family to have a happy and clam life.
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Phase 3: Child Rearing
(Part 4/5)
The most critical phase in a family life is the third phase, i.e. child rearing. This is because today’s children are the future husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, and labor force. Today’s siblings are the aunts and uncles of future families.
Unfortunately, even if the couple succeeded in phases one and two, they seldom succeed in phase three. Parents, especially mothers, should learn the bases of childrearing to bring up stable, productive, and responsible children. Successful mothers know about the correct nutrition as well as physical and psychological needs of children at different ages since the very beginning of their motherhood. It is preferred to learn this during their pregnancy. So much can be learned to avoid fatal problems afterwards. It is very important to know that the personality of the child is built in the first 4 years, so there is no point in waiting till the child grows up to correct his misbehaviors. Just as pampering is fatal, violence is too. So many references are available including books, websites, and others to learn about bringing up a creative, stable, and great child.
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Final
(Part 5/5)
It is never too late, we can always find ways to deal with our family disputes and find solutions. Discussion and transparency is one of the most effective keys to build trust.
Finally, here are my tips to build a better family:
1) Dedicate some time during the week (at least one hour) for family meetings. Family members can discuss their problems, achievements, and exchange news and advice. The rule is: The WHOLE family should gather to build stronger ties.
2) Open the floor for discussion to exchange points of view and express oneself.
3) Be tolerant and take into consideration during the discussion the differences between ages, sexes, needs, and personalities of family members to reach an agreement or a compromise without ending up in disputes.
4) Call the CHILD HELPLINE in your country to help you deal with problems concerning your child. Look it up on the internet. It’s FREE of charge.
5) Make use of the “Family Counseling Centers” (of qualified staff) in your area to help avoid/settle disputes and have a fruitful family life.
Finally, please include any information/advice/best practices to this post to enrich the discussion.
Wishing you all a great life………
Samaa
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